December 18, 1969, 50 years ago: Yours truly is born at St. Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, Essex County, New Jersey.
The neat thing about being born that week was that it was the only time that the American music charts had an Elvis Presley single and a Beatles single in the Top 5 at the same time: Elvis had "Suspicious Minds," which had hit Number 1 in early November; and the Beatles had the double-sided hit "Come Together" and "Something." which had hit Number 1 in late November.
I wouldn't mind turning 50, or being old, or having people think I'm old, or having people think I'm out of touch due to my age (which is often the case), if it wasn't for the pain that comes with advancing age.
All right, let's get the jokes out of the way. Uncle Mike is so old! How old is he? I actually have a record collection. I not only have records by the Captain and Tennille, I have records by the Private and Tennille. I not only have records by John, Paul, George and Ringo; I have records by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I not only have records by Louis Armstrong, I have records by Louis XIV.
I'm so old, I used Preparation A. I'm so old, I still think of the Six Million Dollar Man when I hear the name Steve Austin. I hear Demi, and I think Moore instead of Lovato. I hear Selena, and I think Quintanilla instead of Gomez. I hear Kylie ,and I think Minogue instead of Jenner.
I'm so old, I remember when Exxon was called Esso, when Nissan was called Datsun, and when Beijing was called Peking. I'm so old, I remember when Czechia and Slovakia were one country; when Serbia, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Slovenia, Montenegro, North Macedonia and Kosovo were one country; and when Germany was two countries.
I'm not quite so old that I can remember when the old Madison Square Garden and the old Penn Station were open. But I am so old, I can remember when the current Garden was referred to as "The New Madison Square Garden," and when the old World Trade Center was new.
I'm so old, I can remember when Pete Rose, O.J. Simpson and Bill Cosby were beloved men on top of the world, and when Donald Trump was a man with a future. I'm so old, I can remember when Joe Biden had hair, and when Trump had good hair.
I'm so old, I can remember when unleaded gasoline was an option, and cheap. I'm so old, I can remember when McDonald's signs said, "Over 15 billion served." I'm so old, I can remember arcades having pinball machines, but no video games except Pong.
I'm so old, I can remember when a computer was too big to fit on your desk, and you couldn't take a telephone with you. Now, you can fit both in your pocket, and both can be the same machine.
I'm so old, I can remember when the last Superman was George Reeves, the last Batman was Adam West, the current Wonder Woman was Lynda Carter, there had never been a live-action Spider-Man, the current James Bond was Roger Moore, and the current Doctor Who was Tom Baker. I'm so old, I still call Star Trek: The Original Series "Star Trek," and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope "Star Wars." I'm so old, I can remember when Sesame Street had Mr. Hooper, but not Elmo.
When I was a kid, 1990 seemed like the future. 2001: A Space Odyssey was a recent movie, and felt like the far future. It still does, since we don't have regular passenger flights to the Moon, or even into space.
I remember reading a comic book in which Batman busts a guy, and tells him, "You're going away all the way to the year 2020!" It seemed impossibly far away. Now, that year is days away.
I'm about to enter my 7th decade: 1960s, 1970s, 1980, 1990s, 2000, 2010, 2020s.
All right, let's get the jokes out of the way. Uncle Mike is so old! How old is he? I actually have a record collection. I not only have records by the Captain and Tennille, I have records by the Private and Tennille. I not only have records by John, Paul, George and Ringo; I have records by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I not only have records by Louis Armstrong, I have records by Louis XIV.
I'm so old, I used Preparation A. I'm so old, I still think of the Six Million Dollar Man when I hear the name Steve Austin. I hear Demi, and I think Moore instead of Lovato. I hear Selena, and I think Quintanilla instead of Gomez. I hear Kylie ,and I think Minogue instead of Jenner.
I'm so old, I remember when Exxon was called Esso, when Nissan was called Datsun, and when Beijing was called Peking. I'm so old, I remember when Czechia and Slovakia were one country; when Serbia, Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Slovenia, Montenegro, North Macedonia and Kosovo were one country; and when Germany was two countries.
I'm not quite so old that I can remember when the old Madison Square Garden and the old Penn Station were open. But I am so old, I can remember when the current Garden was referred to as "The New Madison Square Garden," and when the old World Trade Center was new.
I'm so old, I can remember when Pete Rose, O.J. Simpson and Bill Cosby were beloved men on top of the world, and when Donald Trump was a man with a future. I'm so old, I can remember when Joe Biden had hair, and when Trump had good hair.
I'm so old, I can remember when unleaded gasoline was an option, and cheap. I'm so old, I can remember when McDonald's signs said, "Over 15 billion served." I'm so old, I can remember arcades having pinball machines, but no video games except Pong.
I'm so old, I can remember when a computer was too big to fit on your desk, and you couldn't take a telephone with you. Now, you can fit both in your pocket, and both can be the same machine.
I'm so old, I can remember when the last Superman was George Reeves, the last Batman was Adam West, the current Wonder Woman was Lynda Carter, there had never been a live-action Spider-Man, the current James Bond was Roger Moore, and the current Doctor Who was Tom Baker. I'm so old, I still call Star Trek: The Original Series "Star Trek," and Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope "Star Wars." I'm so old, I can remember when Sesame Street had Mr. Hooper, but not Elmo.
When I was a kid, 1990 seemed like the future. 2001: A Space Odyssey was a recent movie, and felt like the far future. It still does, since we don't have regular passenger flights to the Moon, or even into space.
I remember reading a comic book in which Batman busts a guy, and tells him, "You're going away all the way to the year 2020!" It seemed impossibly far away. Now, that year is days away.
I'm about to enter my 7th decade: 1960s, 1970s, 1980, 1990s, 2000, 2010, 2020s.
Friedrich Nietzsche was a great writer, but a lousy philosopher. That which has not managed to kill me these last 50 years has not made me stronger. But it has made me more appreciative of the things that have made me stronger.
I've put up with a lot of nonsense in 50 years. But I've also survived it. And I've had a lot of good times.
And there's been a lot of people who've helped me get that far. Some of you have done it time and time again. Some of you have done it only once. I still owe you my thanks. I could not have gotten this far without you.
I am well aware that I have a lot more yesterdays than tomorrows, and that tomorrow is promised to no one.
Fortunately, I've already been to 2 doctors this week, and, in spite of the deterioration of my leg joints, which may soon get the attention it deserves, my overall health is good.
I'm not going to sit here, and say, as Lou Gehrig did 80 years ago, knowing he was dying, that today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.
But I will say what he said at the end of that speech: I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.
Thank you.
*
Some notable people with whom I share my birthday:
* The Good: Queen Christina of Sweden, 1626-1689, played in film by Greta Garbo; Charles Wesley, 1707-1788, missionary and hymn composer, brother of John Wesley, founder of the United Methodist Church, of which I am a member; John Hall, 1824-1907, Prime Minister of New Zealand 1879-1882, noted for extending voting rights; H.H. Munro, 1870-1916, Briitsh author who wrote under the pen name Saki; Edwin H. Armstrong, 1890-1954, inventor of FM radio; Fletcher Henderson, 1897-1952, jazz composer.
* Also Good; Abe Burrows, 1910-1985, author and humorist; Benjamin O. Davis Jr., 1912-2002, pilot, commander of the Tuskegee Airmen, the 1st black General in the U.S. Air Force; Willy Brandt, 1913-1992, Chancellor of Germany 1969-74; Ray Meyer, 1913-2006, Hall of Fame basketball coach at DePaul University; Betty Grable, 1916-1973, actress, the leading "pinup" of World War II; Ossie Davis, 1917-2005, actor and civil rights activist; Ramsey Clark, born 1927 and still alive, U.S. Attorney General 1967-69; Bill "Moose" Skowron, 1930-2012, Yankee 1st baseman 1954-62; Roger Smith, 1932-2017, actor, husband and manager of actress-singer Ann-Margret; Jacques Pepin, born 1935, chef; Chas Chandler, 1938-1996, bass guitarist for The Animals; Jean Pronovost, born 1945, hockey star; Steve Biko, 1946-1977, martyred South African civil rights leader; Steven Spielberg, born 1946, film director.
* Also Good: Leonard Maltin, born 1950, film critic; Ray Liotta, born 1954, actor; Brian Orser, born 1961, figure skater; Charles Oakley, born 1963, basketball player; Brad Pitt, born 1963, actor; Don Beebe, born 1964, football coach; Gianluca Pagliuca, born 1966, Italian soccer star; Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, born 1971, tennis player; Peter Boulware, born 1974, football player; Sia Furler, born 1975, singer; Katie Holmes, born 1978, actress; Christina Aguilera, born 1980, singer; Brian Boyle, born 1984, hockey player; and Billie Eilish, born 2001, singer, who recently said she didn't know who Van Halen were, and is probably better off if that was true.
* The Bad: Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria, 1863-1914, heir to the Austrian throne, not a good guy, his assassination was the spark that set off World War I; Ty Cobb, 1886-1961, charter member of the Baseball Hall of Fame, but frequently a rotten guy; Allen Klein, 1931-2009, managed The Beatles into the ground; Marc Rich, 1934-2013, corrupt businessman; Keith Richards, born 1943, lead guitarist for The Rolling Stones, also managed by Klein; Steven Anderson, 1964, professional wrestler known as Stone Cold Steve Austin; Casper Van Dien, born 1968, actor (not a bad guy, just a bad actor); Earl Simmons, born 1970, rapper known as DMX.
* The Ugly: Josef Stalin, 1878-1953, Soviet dictator; Robert Moses, 1888-1981, whose designs built bridges, roads, parks and beaches in New York State, but also devastated neighborhoods in New Yokr City.
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